let's reminisce a bit

Transitions are not what I imagined it to be. I thought it was as easy as getting out of that old rust bucket, jumping into your new car and then just continuing down this road called life.

So journal, oh I know it's been a while and I do intend to update you with a lot. I would have never thought that I'd have my own roller coaster ride of a life, but it certainly was and still is one!

Life was simple.
Run my own business, go to car meets, hang out with friends, and really, just have fun.
And man, I had so much fun and I'm glad I did!
I guess that's what makes it such a stark contrast.
It's been four years since my last entry and holy crap I've been through a lot.

I sold my first successful business that I started by myself - a feat I never thought I'd be capable of.
Running ATLP and AcuraFest was a huge part of my life and the friends, relationships and experiences are invaluable.

I also moved out for the first time with my friend Arya, Amirali, Jonny, and Jon.
We rented this amazing house for the summer and every night was a party. Living with four other guys tends to do that. I'll go into more detail about that in a later post.

But as the saying goes, to appreciate the ups, there have to be downs...
On April 2011 I found out my girlfriend of three years cheated on me with one of my best friends and my reality shattered.

My mojo evaporated and I slowly started to decay.

By nature, I'm habitually introverted when it comes to expressing my innate feelings. Even around my family, I often come across as closed off. I learned, not very quickly, that when you aren't expressive and open like I was, that it's pretty easy for someone to turn the lights off and flip your world upside down. And that's what happened.

I thought it was something I could sleep off. That never came, so I started overloading myself with work and new interests. Subsequently, I would get tired and my mind started to become occupied. But I never coped and dealt with it. I quietly and slowly tucked it away in the back of my mind unanimously established that I was at fault somewhere along the plot.

I wasn't ready.

I didn't know I could be hurt because I never experienced what it was like to be hurt.
Not the hurt that lingers for a day because you made a mistake, or the hurt because you flunked a few classes and your parents are disappointed.

not the initial, physical and emotional crushed feeling that leaves you dark and empty, but the psychological pain years to come.

i felt like a fool for loving two people who had the capacity to hurt me this deeply.
i felt humiliated that this happened from the beginning and for three years i was blind.
i felt trapped that i couldn't tell my parents because i didn't know how to.
i felt weak for the first time and i didn't know how to mentally lift myself.

in addition, my parents were going through a bankruptcy which added a huge amount of stress. just kick me while i'm down, life!

but i also learned so much.
i learned what makes good friends.
what it means for them to be there.
i learned to appreciate my sister.
what it means to have a sibling that cares.
and most recently, i learned how to love my parents.

and i learned how-to learn. i'm learning that i have to be proactive about learning, teaching and growing. waiting to "get over it" with time wasn't the best idea. i simply piled up so many problems that i just became overwhelmed with stress in general. i closed that chapter of my life so fast i didn't even know who was to blame. in my head, i always knew i was to blame. but that's the mistake i made. i didn't cope and deal with it. i didn't talk and open up and write about it - until today.

today is the first time in 3 years, since i sent out my last e-mail to lin that i opened up that e-mail again. i actually read through all of our previous e-mail correspondents. that's that. maybe i'll write about them, or it.

today, i'm learning to be pro-active about me. i'm learning to love myself.
i always thought this was going to resolve itself, overnight. or in a few months. or maybe a year?
but no, it happens when i start dealing with it. it starts today, after 3 years.

i'm still healing today.
i'm learning that to heal, i have to allow myself to be healed.
i'm glad that there is so much to be learned, about myself. sometimes, like in this case, there are just things that happen and they are out of my control. i never gave myself that. i never allowed anything to fail where i wasn't able to blame myself. but this happened. and i didn't know how to blame myself, yet i did. intuitively, i look for blame within before reaching out.

after years of reading, coping with it, falling into depression, smoking weed, keeping myself busy beyond the norm, i realized that i can't change what happened.

i can't change the people that affected me by working harder or staying busier.

and that's something i will learn to accept. because people are faulty as shit!

fml.

the past few months have been interesting.
i've fallen out of love and half a year later have fallen into something a lot deeper.
i've learned so much about love, relationship and other people's feelings in such a short time.
i've learned how to express myself and really show what i mean, much more openly.
but not everything in life comes free.
at one point, it was at an expense of others.
but that wouldn't make sense, if it was something i gained in return.
so presently, my life long lessons was at the expense of my own sanity and composure.

the past few months made me realize what i really want in life, which is a great thing.
i can say that i've been a bit confused in the past, of what i really want, but who can say they haven't?
i can say that i've been lucky enough to find exactly what i want... but it stops there.
as always, what i want is something i can't have. out of reach. i want to say i don't know why, but i know exactly why. i'm in love with a girl who's heart i broke, a girl that i once told i couldn't be with and that i didn't see a serious relationship with. a hypocrite i feel like, and i can't help it. i can't help but express how i feel, even if it validates how contradictory my emotions are to what they once were.

i really don't want to rant or even blog about this as this is one of the most painful and emotional lessons that i've never signed up for. it doesn't stop here. i guess curiosity to her blog is what brought me to mine. i don't really know what i'm writing, it's 6am and i haven't got any rest.

i feel like this whole situation resembles two birds that love each other, but are restrained by a thin glass window between them. as if they both can see what they want, but there is a small obstacle in the way. seriously, fuck that obstacle. but, no pun intended - see below.

pride and self-worth. as much as i try to delusion myself from the thought that nothing happened in the months she was seeing a new "it", its bound that they have done their share of things. it's a given, although hope tells me that they haven't, i know they have. it's going to break me down so hard to ask even for that hope that i'm in luck, but that i know is pointless and wishful thinking. it's something that breaks me down inside, and i really just want to break down and cry. it's something i can never get over, or it will really take some mending and time. i hope it's the latter.

Break-Up

The past two and a half years were spent with one of the sweetest and most interesting girls I have met so far. A girl that will put my priorities over her own, appreciate yet the smallest of gestures, and have one of the most caring and biggest hearts. Yet, I've managed to break someones heart. I'm not used to hurting someone's feelings, especially for someone I care so much for, and someone that also likes me back this much. I had no idea how serious a relationship could get without even knowing, and how much it hurts and sucks.

Yet, I know that this isn't for me. I don't want a long term relationship at this point of my life with so much ahead. It would also be foolish to prolong this relationship any longer knowing this, but either way love really hurts. I'm really going to miss Lin and the 2 years of unique times we've had that would never be experienced again. I really never had this feeling before and it's sucking pretty bad right now. Not only because I'm hurt, but even more so that I know I've hurt someone else.

Screw you love, I won't be having an affair with you for a good while.

Confuzzled

It's always hard staring at the blank blog composer trying to figure out where to start with your blog. I still haven't managed to make it a habit to regularly post updates to my everyday life. I'll get the hang of it sooner or later.

The past 4 months have been very interesting. As the lease on my TL neared it's end in July, I scrambled to get it back in once piece for the auction representatives to come and pick it up. It was nearly a stripped weekend track car the night before, but I was able to get the car back in stock form working till 5AM. Three hours later they came to pick up the keys and the car from my house. Away I watched a defining piece of my life drive away. No, not the car, but the quality and motivation that came along with the Acura TL. My first quasi-luxury car, or entry luxury sedan, as classified by established magazine had come into my life unexpectedly opening many more than the 4-doors on the TL. By giving me a chance to start my own business, I was able to mature through experience and relationships that are invaluable. From starting a business, creating new products, developing marketing strategies, and organizing events; this has been a life changing experience. I want to thank you Acura TL, my parents and sister for giving me this opportunity, and the support from my friends and community. Not to mention my girlfriend, who came at the later part of the business, thank you babe.

With the TL gone, I thought a Honda Ridgeline would be a good substitute that would aid in the new activities such as biking, work, and a step away from the performance world. That lasted about a month. The Ridgeline was an incredible car, but I just could not get away from driving a more rewarding car, so I traded it in for a 2003 M3. It's a huge step up for me, as this is the first car I am financing myself, and it's also a lot more car than I'm used to.

The economies down turn has affected everyone, including my family and I, but I need to re-discover my spark. I don't know why I've been feeling numb about productivity lately, nor why I feel that I'm a bit confused about my direction in life. I've always had solid plans about where I want to take my business to, my goals for the day, month, and year. The past few months have not been like this. I'm having second doubts about if I want to continue the business and if I should start a new venture. I'm not sure if school is the right direction for me nor if I should be looking to move out soon. Should I be taking on a more serious project, or pursue my current venture? Is a job a solution for me? Is there a more serious issue that I'm overlooking?

I hope I have answers to these by the next month.

Rewind - Fast Forward

Living in the Valley is much like living in a comic. The vast majority of the population here is in their own picture perfect world getting by. Some are fortunate enough to be supported by their parents, for not only now but also for the long stretch. The Valley being a little less than 30 minutes apart from the hectic Downtown LA, contains it's own vibe and feel, as if every day was a cool, breezy mid-summer day. An ice cool lemonade is also not too far from the picture.

As much as I love LA and the Valley, I just don't think this is the place to harness my business motivation. The reason why? There are tons of business minded people alike that roam the 101 and the 405, but I feel as if I'm on a different plane than those that I interact with daily. There is no passion for success but only passion to get by day to day. That passion that thrives is also only called mediocre.

These past few months have been a treat for me as the economy slowed down which allowed me to spend more time on myself and also think about what I want to do with my crucial years and where I want to spend it. Currently not much on my plate for the summer I have my business that's still going, a summer Econ class at Santa Monica College, an All-Cali Meet in Fresno, a turbo BMW project, and life. Before getting any further I wanted to get this off my chest. My BMW turbo project has been a big self-discovery to see how far I can get with my basic engine knowledge, but more importantly it has also acted as an "invisible hand" to make sure I'm still on the right path to success. About 2 days ago, only 1500 miles on a brand new engine problems started arising. Not minor problems such as a loose bolt or a squeaky belt, but problems that would either call for a full rebuilt (glazed walls/toast rings) or a fair amount of downtime. I don't have a problem with working on the car nor paying someone to do work, but I do have a problem everyone else does. Limited time.

I've reasoned with myself that it's in the best interest for me to invest in a new, reliable car. I've saved enough for a reasonable down payment without using too much of my savings for a car that is going to last years. A car is rarely a resource that presents itself as an investment, but in this case, I know I can make it turn profits. Not as a car directly, but as a tool for the driver to become more productive. The opportunity cost of building an old BMW has seen far more loss in time, energy and work spirit that I could have saved. Looking into the future, I cannot have a car be in my way to a bright future. And planning to live independently, the last thing I want to think about is if I will be able to get to work? Get to class? Get groceries?

I think my reasoning of spending a few hundred a month for a more efficient me is very justifiable.

It's almost summer

It's been close to a year since I've posted and I finally have some free time to update this again. Having just finished one of my last finals for this semester has once again put me in a dilemma of whether I should pursue my college career or dedicate more time into my business venture. If you can't tell, I didn't do too hot this semester.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place my parents are dead set that I'm finishing college. The mere idea of not finishing my bachelors would be devastating for them to hear, so it's just been an internal conflict more than anything.

Other than that, I've meet a truly awesome person that I've spent most of my last year with. Despite the couple squabbles we've had, I think she's been truly one of a kind. She is extremely caring to the point where I don't even think about "..I wish she was more caring" type of thoughts. I'm very content with my love relationship and can't ask for anything else.

One of my very close friends has also moved up north to San Francisco and scored himself a job at BMW. As much as that has been a great inspiration, it's also been a reality check for myself that I'm way behind and have been spending my time not as focused as I was before. I've realized that I need to spent my time with personalities that will reflect who I am and also help me drive myself towards my goals.

If I can just get my mind of her

I promised myself to stay away from this as much as possible since I don't want my blog to turn into an emotional confessional for all my "emo" moments. But I guess there are just moments in life when there is a need, there just is a need!

The sun is starting to show more now, and the cold, cloudy, Starbucks days are starting to become something to look forward to for next rainy season. I suppose I should be looking forward to summer and what it entails for me. The lounging at the beach, strolling down 3rd Street Promenade, bonfires, and of course endless summer night parties.

Unprecedentedly, my mind has been else where. I'm not a person to have any pet peeves and I don't put much thought to it when my dog barks unceasingly for hours. Having my car get dirty irritates me especially when I just washed it, but I get over. Forgetting my parking pass and driving to school, makes me feel kick myself. I don't think much about these things, but one thing I just can't seem to shake recently has been a girl I met. It's actually strange to think about putting this in writing because until now I've been trying to deny that my feelings for her were just in my head, and reading this on my computer has just forced me to accept it's real. I really don't know what to make out of this situation because I'm completely confused about how she feels about me, and I don't want to lose a good friend. It's also been keeping me up lately, even though I've been dead tired from finals in the morning, to evening classes at Santa Monica College.

Perhaps all this writing has helped me clear up some mental space so that I can finally get some sleep! But that doesn't really solve the insomniac issue now...