Break-Up

The past two and a half years were spent with one of the sweetest and most interesting girls I have met so far. A girl that will put my priorities over her own, appreciate yet the smallest of gestures, and have one of the most caring and biggest hearts. Yet, I've managed to break someones heart. I'm not used to hurting someone's feelings, especially for someone I care so much for, and someone that also likes me back this much. I had no idea how serious a relationship could get without even knowing, and how much it hurts and sucks.

Yet, I know that this isn't for me. I don't want a long term relationship at this point of my life with so much ahead. It would also be foolish to prolong this relationship any longer knowing this, but either way love really hurts. I'm really going to miss Lin and the 2 years of unique times we've had that would never be experienced again. I really never had this feeling before and it's sucking pretty bad right now. Not only because I'm hurt, but even more so that I know I've hurt someone else.

Screw you love, I won't be having an affair with you for a good while.

Confuzzled

It's always hard staring at the blank blog composer trying to figure out where to start with your blog. I still haven't managed to make it a habit to regularly post updates to my everyday life. I'll get the hang of it sooner or later.

The past 4 months have been very interesting. As the lease on my TL neared it's end in July, I scrambled to get it back in once piece for the auction representatives to come and pick it up. It was nearly a stripped weekend track car the night before, but I was able to get the car back in stock form working till 5AM. Three hours later they came to pick up the keys and the car from my house. Away I watched a defining piece of my life drive away. No, not the car, but the quality and motivation that came along with the Acura TL. My first quasi-luxury car, or entry luxury sedan, as classified by established magazine had come into my life unexpectedly opening many more than the 4-doors on the TL. By giving me a chance to start my own business, I was able to mature through experience and relationships that are invaluable. From starting a business, creating new products, developing marketing strategies, and organizing events; this has been a life changing experience. I want to thank you Acura TL, my parents and sister for giving me this opportunity, and the support from my friends and community. Not to mention my girlfriend, who came at the later part of the business, thank you babe.

With the TL gone, I thought a Honda Ridgeline would be a good substitute that would aid in the new activities such as biking, work, and a step away from the performance world. That lasted about a month. The Ridgeline was an incredible car, but I just could not get away from driving a more rewarding car, so I traded it in for a 2003 M3. It's a huge step up for me, as this is the first car I am financing myself, and it's also a lot more car than I'm used to.

The economies down turn has affected everyone, including my family and I, but I need to re-discover my spark. I don't know why I've been feeling numb about productivity lately, nor why I feel that I'm a bit confused about my direction in life. I've always had solid plans about where I want to take my business to, my goals for the day, month, and year. The past few months have not been like this. I'm having second doubts about if I want to continue the business and if I should start a new venture. I'm not sure if school is the right direction for me nor if I should be looking to move out soon. Should I be taking on a more serious project, or pursue my current venture? Is a job a solution for me? Is there a more serious issue that I'm overlooking?

I hope I have answers to these by the next month.

Rewind - Fast Forward

Living in the Valley is much like living in a comic. The vast majority of the population here is in their own picture perfect world getting by. Some are fortunate enough to be supported by their parents, for not only now but also for the long stretch. The Valley being a little less than 30 minutes apart from the hectic Downtown LA, contains it's own vibe and feel, as if every day was a cool, breezy mid-summer day. An ice cool lemonade is also not too far from the picture.

As much as I love LA and the Valley, I just don't think this is the place to harness my business motivation. The reason why? There are tons of business minded people alike that roam the 101 and the 405, but I feel as if I'm on a different plane than those that I interact with daily. There is no passion for success but only passion to get by day to day. That passion that thrives is also only called mediocre.

These past few months have been a treat for me as the economy slowed down which allowed me to spend more time on myself and also think about what I want to do with my crucial years and where I want to spend it. Currently not much on my plate for the summer I have my business that's still going, a summer Econ class at Santa Monica College, an All-Cali Meet in Fresno, a turbo BMW project, and life. Before getting any further I wanted to get this off my chest. My BMW turbo project has been a big self-discovery to see how far I can get with my basic engine knowledge, but more importantly it has also acted as an "invisible hand" to make sure I'm still on the right path to success. About 2 days ago, only 1500 miles on a brand new engine problems started arising. Not minor problems such as a loose bolt or a squeaky belt, but problems that would either call for a full rebuilt (glazed walls/toast rings) or a fair amount of downtime. I don't have a problem with working on the car nor paying someone to do work, but I do have a problem everyone else does. Limited time.

I've reasoned with myself that it's in the best interest for me to invest in a new, reliable car. I've saved enough for a reasonable down payment without using too much of my savings for a car that is going to last years. A car is rarely a resource that presents itself as an investment, but in this case, I know I can make it turn profits. Not as a car directly, but as a tool for the driver to become more productive. The opportunity cost of building an old BMW has seen far more loss in time, energy and work spirit that I could have saved. Looking into the future, I cannot have a car be in my way to a bright future. And planning to live independently, the last thing I want to think about is if I will be able to get to work? Get to class? Get groceries?

I think my reasoning of spending a few hundred a month for a more efficient me is very justifiable.

It's almost summer

It's been close to a year since I've posted and I finally have some free time to update this again. Having just finished one of my last finals for this semester has once again put me in a dilemma of whether I should pursue my college career or dedicate more time into my business venture. If you can't tell, I didn't do too hot this semester.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place my parents are dead set that I'm finishing college. The mere idea of not finishing my bachelors would be devastating for them to hear, so it's just been an internal conflict more than anything.

Other than that, I've meet a truly awesome person that I've spent most of my last year with. Despite the couple squabbles we've had, I think she's been truly one of a kind. She is extremely caring to the point where I don't even think about "..I wish she was more caring" type of thoughts. I'm very content with my love relationship and can't ask for anything else.

One of my very close friends has also moved up north to San Francisco and scored himself a job at BMW. As much as that has been a great inspiration, it's also been a reality check for myself that I'm way behind and have been spending my time not as focused as I was before. I've realized that I need to spent my time with personalities that will reflect who I am and also help me drive myself towards my goals.

If I can just get my mind of her

I promised myself to stay away from this as much as possible since I don't want my blog to turn into an emotional confessional for all my "emo" moments. But I guess there are just moments in life when there is a need, there just is a need!

The sun is starting to show more now, and the cold, cloudy, Starbucks days are starting to become something to look forward to for next rainy season. I suppose I should be looking forward to summer and what it entails for me. The lounging at the beach, strolling down 3rd Street Promenade, bonfires, and of course endless summer night parties.

Unprecedentedly, my mind has been else where. I'm not a person to have any pet peeves and I don't put much thought to it when my dog barks unceasingly for hours. Having my car get dirty irritates me especially when I just washed it, but I get over. Forgetting my parking pass and driving to school, makes me feel kick myself. I don't think much about these things, but one thing I just can't seem to shake recently has been a girl I met. It's actually strange to think about putting this in writing because until now I've been trying to deny that my feelings for her were just in my head, and reading this on my computer has just forced me to accept it's real. I really don't know what to make out of this situation because I'm completely confused about how she feels about me, and I don't want to lose a good friend. It's also been keeping me up lately, even though I've been dead tired from finals in the morning, to evening classes at Santa Monica College.

Perhaps all this writing has helped me clear up some mental space so that I can finally get some sleep! But that doesn't really solve the insomniac issue now...

Long Island Ice Tea

I glance at the car clock as I leave my friend Theo's house. It reads 2:14AM on a Saturday night and my buzz is almost worn off from the three Long Island Ice Tea's I had about 2 hours earlier at The Cheesecake Factory. Although I should be looking forward to diving into the fluff bedsheets and sinking my head into that refreshing cool pillow, I decide to go for an aimless drive instead to enjoy the slight drizzle from the rain so I can listen to those oh so perfect late night aimless drive songs.

So I finally get home at 3:00AM, I realize that I'm not one bit tired. Sitting here alone in my room, only to be accompanied by the occasional rain drizzle, which seemed to have tired out as well, I realize that this occasional habit of insomnia is becoming quiet a frequent dependency. I guess I find it a good way to wind down and just collect my thoughts for the day.

Shit, it's 4:15AM...I better get some sleep before the bright sun rays start diffusing through my blinds.


Insomnia is a sleeping disorder characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity.

My life

I feel like I only write in here when I'm bored, or late at night. I've been both bored and up till the wee hours of the morning the past couple of months and completely forgotten about the fact that I had a blog, until Raj mentioned his blog..

The past couple weeks, or months I've actually felt both really out of it, and in it at the same time. I don't know how to describe it, but a roller coaster ride as an analogy wouldn't be too far off.

It's true that your mind is more open to suggestions late at night, or when you are tired. I've been realizing that a lot of my time is being wasted doing nothing, yet I've been doing a lot. Or maybe that's what I tell myself. The past week made me realize that I'm terribly in debt, but only this time I don't have a source to replenish my accounts, and my unemployed title does not help much either. It's not that I don't have a job, but rather that I'm trying to start my own business and focusing on making that work. So far it's working out alright, there are a few clients, and it's looking promising, but money isn't coming in heavy duty duffel bags as I hoped for. That's the part that gets me down, and I've even caught myself getting depressed about that the past few days. It's the thought that I'm not doing the greatest in school and on top of that I don't have a great career to act as a safety net either, while everyone has either one or the other. I guess the only thing I can do is keep on doing what I'm doing.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about what my goals are, and I can't jump to a conclusion. I know, just like everyone else, I'd like to be successful and famous one day, well not really famous, but successful and rich. But I also want to make my parents happy, which my current plans don't really fall into. I don't really enjoy going to school, nor am I giving much effort to, and I'm not wealthy beyond my dreams financially...so that doesn't really convince them.

I don't have any answers myself as to how I will solve these dilemma's but I'll post again once I do figure that out.