My life

I feel like I only write in here when I'm bored, or late at night. I've been both bored and up till the wee hours of the morning the past couple of months and completely forgotten about the fact that I had a blog, until Raj mentioned his blog..

The past couple weeks, or months I've actually felt both really out of it, and in it at the same time. I don't know how to describe it, but a roller coaster ride as an analogy wouldn't be too far off.

It's true that your mind is more open to suggestions late at night, or when you are tired. I've been realizing that a lot of my time is being wasted doing nothing, yet I've been doing a lot. Or maybe that's what I tell myself. The past week made me realize that I'm terribly in debt, but only this time I don't have a source to replenish my accounts, and my unemployed title does not help much either. It's not that I don't have a job, but rather that I'm trying to start my own business and focusing on making that work. So far it's working out alright, there are a few clients, and it's looking promising, but money isn't coming in heavy duty duffel bags as I hoped for. That's the part that gets me down, and I've even caught myself getting depressed about that the past few days. It's the thought that I'm not doing the greatest in school and on top of that I don't have a great career to act as a safety net either, while everyone has either one or the other. I guess the only thing I can do is keep on doing what I'm doing.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about what my goals are, and I can't jump to a conclusion. I know, just like everyone else, I'd like to be successful and famous one day, well not really famous, but successful and rich. But I also want to make my parents happy, which my current plans don't really fall into. I don't really enjoy going to school, nor am I giving much effort to, and I'm not wealthy beyond my dreams financially...so that doesn't really convince them.

I don't have any answers myself as to how I will solve these dilemma's but I'll post again once I do figure that out.

New Chapter

Life is a cycle in which human actions are predictable patterns.

Just like the lunar eclipse, our life is a repetitive compilation of cycles. We can relate much of what we know about eclipses to our own lives. A few times in a year we start a new cycles within ourselves. A cycles that nobody can predict nor see, but only you yourself. This sensation which we realize is unquestionably real, but there is no word to define it. The best way to describe this feeling is by construing it metaphorically to events that are tangible.

A roller coaster ride at Six Flags is a perfect example. Think of a phase, or chapter of your life as one round on the roller coaster...all the ups and downs represent the hardships you have experienced and the happy moments that you couldn't live without (coincidentally the camera on the ride that captures your happiest times can act as the camera that captures all your happy moments in real life). The anxious feeling of the ride reeling you to the top symbolizes the troubles and hardships you've gone through. Finally, you are at the top seconds before the drop, and the feeling is unbelievable. It seems like you can't turn back, but yet you don't want to see what's coming up ahead. This part of the ride is the period of your life cycle in which you feel sensational, a feeling you know won't last forever. The whole coaster "tour" is your cycle. Once you get off the ride you wait in line until the next ride phase of your life begins. This is the beginning of a new cycle, and the downtime is identical to the times in your life when you are uncertain. But once the ride starts again, time flies, emotions peak and dip to uncertain depths, and friends come and go.

I just know that this is the start of a new cycle...

Sometimes I wish...

...that I could express myself to the fullest. A picture is worth more than a thousand words, but a thought is inexpressible.

Wouldn't it be amazing if instead of having to explain every detail about your reason and point; being able to avoid misunderstandings, or questions of uncertainty...you are able to show the person you are talking to the exact thought in your mind with sound, color, texture, aroma, and the whole nine yards of exactly what was subconsciously in your head at that moment. Imagine all the silly differences, arguments, misunderstandings, questions, and all the frustration that would be avoided.

There are only a handful times when I was able to experience this symphony. You know like when the other person will finish your sentence, exactly the way you had it pictured! Down to the deep green grass fields that smelled like freshly bloomed daisy's, and the ever-so-perfect summer breeze of 77 degrees. I believe this feeling is the best harmony of human emotions and connection.

I wish everyone saw the picture the way I drew it.

Case of the Mondays

It's surprising how slow the week goes by at times, and how fast the weekend passes by. I guess that's why I haven't posted this weekend. For me, Sunday is the perfect day to wind down, and to clear my head for the week...I guess that's what I'm doing right now at 3:50 AM. I adore driving as a way to unwind and to get away from all the headaches. Of course it can't be driving in LA traffic. It's driving through the canyons late at 2:00AM and then a boundless cruise up Pacific Coast Highway. Atmosphere certainly is key. Comparing LA traffic at 5:00PM rush hour, exhaust fumes, and the scorching 99 degree weather...to the open road of PCH accompanied by the constant ocean waves, pleasantly enough cars passing to ensure the existence of life, and the moon reflecting of the ocean panorama. There is no way to describe it...

experience it.

Last train home

I don't want to seem like I could have predicted this, but I did. After much planning, our trip to San Francisco didn't seem like it was going to happen. At about 9:15 PM Thursday night, on the spur of the moment we decided to go anyway without any preparation. About 5 hours later that night, after a few rounds of enlightening hookah, a pack of Corona's, a glass of 4 year old wine and some greasy Mexican food from Casa de Taco, we were off on our way to LA Union Station. For some reason, I had a feeling that we were not even going to catch the 4:15 AM bus to Bakersfield, but the three of us (Pejman, Arya, me) happen to catch the bus as it was leaving the station, and thanks to a kind worker, who had morning breath, we were able to halt the bus and make it on.

I was able to sleep through the majority of the 2-hour bus ride to Bakersfield, where we switched over to an Amtrak train that took us to San Francisco. I anticipated the train ride much more than the bus ride because it was my first time on the train here in the states. Even though it was exciting getting on the train and looking for a comfy seat with a nice view, the wow-factor was short lived...I think the 2 hour bus ride killed it for me.

After we arrived to San Francisco, our drop-off location was at San Francisco's Ferry Building Marketplace. We had a late lunch at DELICArf1, a Japanese delicatessen, where I picked up a few chicken dumplings, steak sushi..which I didn't know existed, and some spinach salad. The market place had an indoor/outdoor food court, but we ended up sitting inside because everything was taken outside. Plus, the afternoon heat was creeping up, so it all worked out perfectly.

The first evening we spent roaming around our hotel called The Palace. It was a classy 1800's hotel that was recently remodeled which gave it a very historic-elegant feel to it. Stained glass ceilings, incredibly tall rooms, crystal chandeliers, and bowls of fresh apples everywhere that were tasty! I really liked the fact that it was decently priced at $215 a night, and it was only a few blocks away from Union Square. Taking advantage of the short distance to the square, that night we ended up eating out at a place called Cafe Andree. Although it only offered a few select dishes, it didn't take long to cozy up in the little restaurant with the help of some Kobe beef platters, a few rounds of Long Island Ice Tea's, and a few Hennesy & 7Up's.

Majority of the second day was spent shopping at Union Square. If it wasn't for the over population of butch girls (can I even call them girls?), but really, if there weren't so many flamboyantly gay people walking the streets and frisking each other in public, I think my salami sandwich I had at the deli that morning would have stayed in a little longer.

The last 2 days we stayed up there we rented these awesome go-cars. They are small, 2 seater go-kart-like cars that are gas powered and go up to 45 miles per hour. We had 3 cars in total and cruised around San Francisco with these on public streets. It was a thrill chasing each other only to find out that we all had the same top speed! Pedestrians were amazed, zipping through traffic was a blast, and best of all...it was a huge relief from the thousands of miles of walking I had been doing the past 2 days!

Honestly, I was surprised by how beautiful of a city San Francisco is. Disregarding all the negative aspects I've mentioned earlier, I still rank San Francisco as one of my top places to live at some point of my life. It must be the atmosphere. The city is not huge, but it's big enough to keep you on your toes and wanting to explore each part of it. The people there are very amiable, except for the bums, who for some reason don't accept left over food as a form of payment (weed or beer only?!). The whole vibe of San Francisco makes it a place that you want to go back to again. The people over there give off a Las Vegas atmosphere, while the architecture embodies a New York downtown feel to it, although I haven't been to New York yet so I'm basing this analogy on pure babble.

I still can't imagine living anywhere else but the valley.

Lost in translation

The past few days I've been really feeling in a slum. Main reason being that I've temporarily lost a good connection with one of my very close friends. Just think of him as the friend that you can always:

• count on for any occasion
• tell everything without worrying about sounding dumb
• count on to go to party 6 hours away just to meet someone you've known online

I guess it was about less than a week ago that I started to realize the many little things he naturally did that I really didn't think were discerning. Whether it'd be that he just forget about something he promised to do, to simply not appreciating the many favors I do for him. I'm really not trying to sound like this is a gay-relationship (it's not, I promise), but when you've known a friend long enough, you realize that it's not the big problems that matter anymore, it's all the small things that get to your head and drive you nuts.

Things changed a lot in the past few days, and I had to force myself to break the cycle of hanging out with the same person I would usually see 5 to 6 days out of the week. It's hard, trust me. The first few days were gruesome, and I felt guilty for being a dick (not literally). I still just wanted to take a few days to accumulate all my thoughts and present them as something that is constructive, not a verbal assault. Going out of your regular routine you've been doing for years is hard. Next few days didn't get much better after getting a ticket, and getting chewed out at work.

As my problems seemed like they just couldn't get much worse, as if it hit rock bottom and said "Hey, you've suffered enough...here have a bit of happiness again" I realized, with the help of Mani, a long time friend, that he feels the exact same way. Wow, really? Things just seem so much easier when you are not alone in the dark with your problems and someone else comes to help with a giant flashlight (infinite battery of course). I just felt as if this 50 pound backpack that I've been carrying with me everywhere turned into a hot air balloon. I've realized that change, good or bad, is always going to turn out better. It's hard to accept change because living in a comfort zone just feels so comfortable and so predictable, but at the same time it feels dull.

I love change, and I'm really anxious and excited to see what new things will happen.

Am I doing this right?

Myspace? Xanga? I decided to start my first real blog here. Main reason being that I'd like to start with a fresh, new audience, not one that already knew my whole existence and was able to predict what I would blog about anyway. Plus writing a blog might not be the manliest thing to do...it may even be referenced to keeping a secret diary...which is another reason I choose this as a medium.

Finishing the last of my finals, I've caught myself spending a lot of hours late at night just listening to relaxing R&B, with a dimly lit melon-scented candle from Ralphs, and the sound of a few cars that pass by the boulevard every so often...just thinking about my life, so I might as well share my pondering. Figured this to be more useful than looking like a crack addict gazing into blank space, which is what the alternative would be. As you can see, this is just the beginning of my blog, my life. What in the world am I going to write about? Simply everything. Snippets of my life, friends, family, relationships (even though I'm single), and notable parts of my day.