So journal, oh I know it's been a while and I do intend to update you with a lot. I would have never thought that I'd have my own roller coaster ride of a life, but it certainly was and still is one!
Life was simple.
Run my own business, go to car meets, hang out with friends, and really, just have fun.
And man, I had so much fun and I'm glad I did!
I guess that's what makes it such a stark contrast.
It's been four years since my last entry and holy crap I've been through a lot.
I sold my first successful business that I started by myself - a feat I never thought I'd be capable of.
Running ATLP and AcuraFest was a huge part of my life and the friends, relationships and experiences are invaluable.
I also moved out for the first time with my friend Arya, Amirali, Jonny, and Jon.
We rented this amazing house for the summer and every night was a party. Living with four other guys tends to do that. I'll go into more detail about that in a later post.
But as the saying goes, to appreciate the ups, there have to be downs...
On April 2011 I found out my girlfriend of three years cheated on me with one of my best friends and my reality shattered.
My mojo evaporated and I slowly started to decay.
By nature, I'm habitually introverted when it comes to expressing my innate feelings. Even around my family, I often come across as closed off. I learned, not very quickly, that when you aren't expressive and open like I was, that it's pretty easy for someone to turn the lights off and flip your world upside down. And that's what happened.
I thought it was something I could sleep off. That never came, so I started overloading myself with work and new interests. Subsequently, I would get tired and my mind started to become occupied. But I never coped and dealt with it. I quietly and slowly tucked it away in the back of my mind unanimously established that I was at fault somewhere along the plot.
I wasn't ready.
I didn't know I could be hurt because I never experienced what it was like to be hurt.
Not the hurt that lingers for a day because you made a mistake, or the hurt because you flunked a few classes and your parents are disappointed.
not the initial, physical and emotional crushed feeling that leaves you dark and empty, but the psychological pain years to come.
i felt humiliated that this happened from the beginning and for three years i was blind.
i felt trapped that i couldn't tell my parents because i didn't know how to.
i felt weak for the first time and i didn't know how to mentally lift myself.
in addition, my parents were going through a bankruptcy which added a huge amount of stress. just kick me while i'm down, life!
but i also learned so much.
i learned what makes good friends.
what it means for them to be there.
i learned to appreciate my sister.
what it means to have a sibling that cares.
and most recently, i learned how to love my parents.
and i learned how-to learn. i'm learning that i have to be proactive about learning, teaching and growing. waiting to "get over it" with time wasn't the best idea. i simply piled up so many problems that i just became overwhelmed with stress in general. i closed that chapter of my life so fast i didn't even know who was to blame. in my head, i always knew i was to blame. but that's the mistake i made. i didn't cope and deal with it. i didn't talk and open up and write about it - until today.
today is the first time in 3 years, since i sent out my last e-mail to lin that i opened up that e-mail again. i actually read through all of our previous e-mail correspondents. that's that. maybe i'll write about them, or it.
today, i'm learning to be pro-active about me. i'm learning to love myself.
i always thought this was going to resolve itself, overnight. or in a few months. or maybe a year?
but no, it happens when i start dealing with it. it starts today, after 3 years.
i'm still healing today.
i'm learning that to heal, i have to allow myself to be healed.
i'm glad that there is so much to be learned, about myself. sometimes, like in this case, there are just things that happen and they are out of my control. i never gave myself that. i never allowed anything to fail where i wasn't able to blame myself. but this happened. and i didn't know how to blame myself, yet i did. intuitively, i look for blame within before reaching out.
after years of reading, coping with it, falling into depression, smoking weed, keeping myself busy beyond the norm, i realized that i can't change what happened.
i can't change the people that affected me by working harder or staying busier.
and that's something i will learn to accept. because people are faulty as shit!
