fml.

the past few months have been interesting.
i've fallen out of love and half a year later have fallen into something a lot deeper.
i've learned so much about love, relationship and other people's feelings in such a short time.
i've learned how to express myself and really show what i mean, much more openly.
but not everything in life comes free.
at one point, it was at an expense of others.
but that wouldn't make sense, if it was something i gained in return.
so presently, my life long lessons was at the expense of my own sanity and composure.

the past few months made me realize what i really want in life, which is a great thing.
i can say that i've been a bit confused in the past, of what i really want, but who can say they haven't?
i can say that i've been lucky enough to find exactly what i want... but it stops there.
as always, what i want is something i can't have. out of reach. i want to say i don't know why, but i know exactly why. i'm in love with a girl who's heart i broke, a girl that i once told i couldn't be with and that i didn't see a serious relationship with. a hypocrite i feel like, and i can't help it. i can't help but express how i feel, even if it validates how contradictory my emotions are to what they once were.

i really don't want to rant or even blog about this as this is one of the most painful and emotional lessons that i've never signed up for. it doesn't stop here. i guess curiosity to her blog is what brought me to mine. i don't really know what i'm writing, it's 6am and i haven't got any rest.

i feel like this whole situation resembles two birds that love each other, but are restrained by a thin glass window between them. as if they both can see what they want, but there is a small obstacle in the way. seriously, fuck that obstacle. but, no pun intended - see below.

pride and self-worth. as much as i try to delusion myself from the thought that nothing happened in the months she was seeing a new "it", its bound that they have done their share of things. it's a given, although hope tells me that they haven't, i know they have. it's going to break me down so hard to ask even for that hope that i'm in luck, but that i know is pointless and wishful thinking. it's something that breaks me down inside, and i really just want to break down and cry. it's something i can never get over, or it will really take some mending and time. i hope it's the latter.

Break-Up

The past two and a half years were spent with one of the sweetest and most interesting girls I have met so far. A girl that will put my priorities over her own, appreciate yet the smallest of gestures, and have one of the most caring and biggest hearts. Yet, I've managed to break someones heart. I'm not used to hurting someone's feelings, especially for someone I care so much for, and someone that also likes me back this much. I had no idea how serious a relationship could get without even knowing, and how much it hurts and sucks.

Yet, I know that this isn't for me. I don't want a long term relationship at this point of my life with so much ahead. It would also be foolish to prolong this relationship any longer knowing this, but either way love really hurts. I'm really going to miss Lin and the 2 years of unique times we've had that would never be experienced again. I really never had this feeling before and it's sucking pretty bad right now. Not only because I'm hurt, but even more so that I know I've hurt someone else.

Screw you love, I won't be having an affair with you for a good while.